Jaren's Blog

June 2, 2010

I was “Speechless”, and am still shocked!

Filed under: Jaren's Writings — Jaren @ 3:40 pm

This perhaps is the most difficult topic I have tried writing on.  I want to be sensitive to who may read it.  Please— those who are easily offended or are of a young age, know this is a “PG” rated post.  I will probably be sleeping outside when my wife finds I was naïve enough to post it, here goes anyway.  Nothing written here is designed to be commentary on adults consenting or engaged in activities of their own choosing.

Martina McBride in her song: “This One’s for the Girls” sings

“This for all you girls about thirteen

High School can be so rough, can be so mean

Hold on to onto your innocence

Stand your ground when everybody’s giving in”

http://bit.ly/teengirlsmcbride

I had a wonderful father/child conversation the other day; our visit touched my heart.  It made me feel badly for some of the feelings that may exist in our world today.

One of my children was presented with a circumstance where they were mocked for being chaste.  Their friend, who found my child was not engaged in adult activities; made fun of their commitment.  My child has self-elected to wait until marriage, to participate in what they see as behavior reserved for married adults.

Their friend, poking fun at this commitment; suggested they will never know whether or not they are compatible with their partner.  “One who waits, may find when it is too late; they are not fit to be life long partners,” was the comment shared with my child.  My child had to see that I was speechless sharing this with me.

Having sex was the topic discussed.  Let me use an example to suggest my feelings on the difference between, “having sex” and “making love.”

The year the Utah Jazz went to the finals, playing Michael Jordan and the Bulls was a great year for Utah fans.  The entire season was fun to watch as we could see our team was something special.

This year in the western finals, we were facing the Houston Rocket’s and Charles Barkley.  It was game six, Utah was headed into Texas up 3-2.  Utah was 12 points behind at the end of the game; bringing it to a tie with only seconds left.  Byron Russell through the ball into John Stockton; John then threw up the winning three pointer over the late arriving Charles Barkley.  Utah won 103-100 and went onto the finals.  Our players jumped for joy; as did the fans!

This play has been and will be played over and over again.  Even though we lost in the finals, it was a great season.  Utah and all its citizens united, even Utah and BYU fans came together as our pride overcame all differences supporting our team.

Here is my analogy:  Having sex is only being able to see the play of the decade; making love is being able to participate in the entire season.

Sex and finding a partner who you match up with?— give me a break!  Are there people out there who do nothing but the wild thing all day long?  If you were a rock star and did it a much as you wanted; what percent of your day would it fill up?  Stories, usually of men beating their chests, wanting to be a stud; fall well short of occupying even a small percentage of the day with their stories.  So what about all the rest of the day (relationship)?  Where is the season leading up to the play or championship after?

For me, I don’t get it.  Who is teaching our youth that this time together is an act reduced to, “having sex.”  Animals (males) may long for the experience, participate and leave content for having had a quickie.  For thinking beings, not finding commonality and bonding before; may leave you unaware who you are with, wanting to go home after you are finished or wanting to try a new partner.

If you were watching as the team was assembled, signing contracts and building; you got excited knowing it could be a good year.  The season developed into what became, “the best to date” with more wins than in any other time in franchise history.  As a fan you built up to the play of the decade which lifted you into the finals; knowing it was only the beginning of something better.  You then went onto the finals as the play was not the end of your experience.  Perhaps your season didn’t end with the trophy but out of all the teams; there was only one better.  This year lead to what have been many more wonderful years.

Making love, knowing you are with the one you enjoy.  Realizing you have built up to a moment where the event is only time shared in intimacy; reserved for your special one.  Your time shared together, as in participating in the full season, has excitement for a very long time.  Laying there together hugging, talking and feeling; knowing the time wasn’t ended by an episode but there was more to come; a lifetime together.

For me, each time is special; we learn and grow together.  It is a time where we give of ourselves completely.  Every occasion is the play of the decade.  We didn’t need to find whether we were compatible sexually; we knew we were mentally first.  We build daily on our time together.  We know the climax isn’t the crescendo; just part of the game.  Fully enjoying the season up to the play, then the play itself and finally all time after with each step being very exciting.  We are moving toward a lifetime victory–together.

My child’s life will be blessed with far greater satisfaction than this friend who is out trying the models; seeing who is compatible—“give me a break!”

Too my child, I am proud you have committed yourself; know you will have a lasting, enjoyable and close relationship many will only dream of!!!  Stick to your ideals; you have chosen well my dear.  “Stand your ground when everybody’s giving in”

Jaren

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6 Comments »

  1. Interesting and touchy topic Jaren. Loaded topic would be an understatement. I respect your and your families decisions to remain abstinent before marriage. I should also state that I respect everyone’s right to follow their own path and decisions, whatever they may be. I hope that in providing another opinion and perspective, further understanding and respect may be gained for all sides of this debate.

    As many relational and marriage therapists will share, a working committed relationship is a balance of emotional, mental, physical and spiritual compatibility. While we are single and dating others for the purpose of finding a life partner, we are usually looking for someone who is relatively compatible with or brings balance to our own mental capacity, emotional needs, and spiritual goals. Most people would consider it unwise for anyone to commit to a relationship where any one or all of these categories are in obvious contradiction or incompatible as they would likely be the source of contention or dissatisfaction to the relationship soon after the honeymoon phase and infatuation has worn off. While a couple might find compatibility in their mental, emotional, physical-attraction and/or spiritual needs/traits, that compatibility doesn’t automatically carryover into the bedroom after the “I Dos”.

    Making Love/Having Sex is much more complex than just the act of copulating. There are individual likes, dislikes, wants, needs, favorites, frequency and many other factors that can make or break this vital aspect of a relationship. Often when two people who marry without first ever discovering their own needs/wants/likes, let alone how to provide them to another, bliss is anywhere but in the honeymoon suite or master bedroom of that couple for weeks, months, or even decades. A good friend of mine is a perfect example of this. After marrying his first wife, it didn’t take long to find out just how incompatible their individual sexual preferences were. To keep this clean, I’ll just say that the frequency was about as often as the full moon due to one partner not wanting or allowing it more often than that. While there could be a lot said about what they were not doing to improve their relationship both in and out of the bedroom, a divorce could have been avoided and children spared if compatibility had been explored before hand. Add to this the complexity and baggage of social and environmental conditioning that “sex is bad, should be avoided, not thought about” until marriage, and the sex starved marriage just gets dimmer as that conditioning can’t be thrown off overnight by many people and is often so subconscious that it’s even unknown to the one suffering from it.

    So with that said, there are benefits to abstinence before marriage, mainly avoiding STDs and unplanned pregnancy. Although the data often shows that demographics where abstinence only sex ed is the only sex ed provided, the rates of both unplanned pregnancies and STDs are higher than areas where condoms or birth control are taught as safe guards (just google “abstinence only education statistics” to learn more about this). So if you encourage and teach abstinence only before marriage, perhaps consider at least reviewing the safeguards to protect against STDs and unplanned pregnancies. Teens are raging balls of hormones and sexual urges and the unplanned pregnancy or STDs generally happen when the two love birds weren’t planning on having sex, so when it happens anyways, they are unprepared and can be shattered for life by the likely consequences.

    So take my opinion with a grain of salt if you need to. There’s no one right way to approach this fragile topic. While another’s opinion may not agree with your own, it doesn’t make it any less valid or valuable, and that can be said from both sides of the table. We generally cannot appreciate or comprehend what we have not experienced or learned for ourselves, or at least considered from a less biased perspective. A lack of appreciation or comprehension for another’s opinion is generally the source of bigotry and mistrust of those who may not share our own opinions. That appreciations doesn’t necessitate agreement, but grows out of a desire to understand why another believes or thinks the way they do, and why that may make sense to them.

    Comment by mikeutah — June 2, 2010 @ 7:07 pm | Reply

    • Mike, while I do understand that you feel there is no one right way to approach this fragile topic, are you willing to concede that there are certain absolutes or universally acceptable practices that can be determined to be “wise council” with respect to the subject of morality before marriage?

      I understand that there is no real fail safe or guarantee that any action prior to marriage can secure happiness after. But should the individual efforts of teenagers and adults who wish to engage in certain sexual practices prior to marriage be called into question as building a foundation on a sandy foundation? If one is marrying for sex as a priority or primary concern, then why marry at all? You don’t need to be married to have sex. Marriage is much more than sex (or should be). So why is it then a deal breaker? To follow the mentality of the girl in Jaren’s story who chose to mock the chastity of Jaren’s child as foolish, where then is the wisdom in its opposite? Where is there wisdom in amplifying or “grading” sex between mates as a “deal breaker” unless you are saying that there is nothing else of greater value in the relationship than sex?

      A truly healthy relationship is based on something much more that sex alone. Lets just say you are dating an individual and the sex is amazing but the person is dumb as bricks. Would you get married to “the brick” just for the sex? No wise person would judge that to be a healthy relationship. So if a healthy relationship should not be solely based on one aspect of the relationship, then it would stand to reason that one such act should not be reason to end it either. It seems to me that this antagonistic girl presents no more wisdom than was found in the early 1900’s when doctors used to prescribe cigarettes for asthma treatment. Perhaps the “wisdom” of our day does not surpass the wisdom of solid moral conviction and common sense.

      Comment by Nick Galieti — June 2, 2010 @ 8:43 pm | Reply

      • Thank you for sharing your thoughts Nick. You bring up some interesting points worthy of consideration and contemplation. I’ll try to address each of your points from my experience, perspective and understanding in as respectful and medically correct terminology possible. If anyone is sensitive to this topic, you may want to skip this comment.

        Sexuality is continually being understood as much more complex than previously believed. Genetically speaking, sex is a primal urge promoted by hormonal production and instincts to further the species. While that may sound cold or offensive, those are some of the basics to human attraction and the sexual tension that goes into production as a teen and is generally present in healthy people well into their senior years. In that regard, it is natural and healthy for sexual tension to build in each of us and drive us to seek a release. Increasingly, modern psychiatry and medicine is finding the repression and abstinence of these natural urges/releases to be unhealthy and contributory to higher rates of prostate cancer in men. Sexual release in both men and women is also conducive to higher states of mental and reproductive health due to the increase of blood flow to the reproductive area and the brain chemicals that produce a natural high. Other studies have also demonstrated that repression of natural sexual urges in society (masturbation or sexual release with a partner) can lead to higher violent crime rates. You can google anyone of these claims to substantiate them with verified and repeatable studies and research.

        So with that brief review of the sexual urges our creator has endowed in us, I’ll attempt to address your respective points. I hope you’ll forgive me with my assumption that the absolutes or universal practices you mentioned are to abstain from sex until marriage, and likely from personal release(masturbation) as well. Because this repression of natural urges tends to increase the rates of STDs, unplanned/unwanted pregnancies, and increased violent crimes (rape and other sexual crimes), I don’t see these practices as either beneficial to healthy individuals nor society as a whole. Each of these symptoms often carry life altering and life shattering consequences.

        Learning about yourself and relationships through personal experience and practice hardly seems like the building of a sandy foundation. In fact, it is generally through personal experience that we discover who we really are inside and what we want out of life and relationships. Going through the complete relational experience with multiple partners before making a life long commitment will likely lead to being more settled and knowledgeable of who Mr/Mrs Right is when they do come along.

        My understanding as to “marrying just for sex” is that it is more often found in cultures where sex is discouraged or looked down upon outside of marriage. Since they can’t get the sexual release without the likely condemnation of family and friends, they rush through the dating portion/engagement to get hitched and have the blessing of their community to then be together sexually. Problem is, they are then “stuck” with someone they may hardly even know and only then come to find out they aren’t that attracted to in other areas (mental, emotional etc). A marriage based on sex alone is just as weak as a marriage based on any one other area in the relationship. In todays modern world of being able to both prevent unplanned pregnancies and STDs, couples can get the sex portion out of the way to see if there was more “glue” to their relationship than just physical attraction and hormones. Having the benefit of finding this out before marriage would likely decrease divorce rates if practiced more widely. As evidence to support this, divorce rates among atheists and liberals are some of the lowest rates among religious demographics (http://atheism.about.com/od/atheistfamiliesmarriage/a/AtheistsDivorce.htm). As an equal aspect of relationships as mental, emotional or spiritual compatibility, sex is/can be the deal breaker when not found in compatibility after marriage, just as incompatibility in the other areas would likely be a deal breaker.

        I would agree that it would be unwise to marry someone you are not compatible with mentally just because the sex was amazing, especially if you knew of this incompatibility before marriage. However, if you were having sex before marriage it would likely be discovered sooner that sex was the only thing worthwhile in that relationship and it would likely not have resulted in marriage anyways. The problem is that when sex and hormones can’t be released before marriage, you may not find out just how incompatible you are mentally or emotionally either since both would likely be stuck in the infatuation stage and be blind to other incompatibilities until after marriage since your hormones can often overpower rationality and overlook personality incompatibilities (love is blind).

        I apologize for the lengthy reply, but I hope it provides further information to consider and/or contemplate. Again, this is my opinion, experience and understanding. I accept and respect that your mileage will likely vary and we can simply agree to disagree.

        Comment by mikeutah — June 2, 2010 @ 11:14 pm

  2. Well said and written my friend. I love your passion, intelligence and interest. Yes, tender; to say the least! I tried to allow a father’s feelings about their child not cloud my view that, “To each their own” by including: “Nothing written here is designed to be commentary on adults consenting or engaged in activities of their own choosing.”

    We all need to be sharing views and perspective as our youth are certainly needing input from those of us who have lived. We do and will make mistakes which are more easily corrected by talking through them openly.

    I too get frustrated thinking anyone would ever believe the act is anything but fulfilling. Thought it is a dirty act when done in appropriate times and places (varied by personal opinion) is very sad!

    Let’s hope others feel free to write their experiences, it will help us all.

    Comment by Jaren — June 2, 2010 @ 7:23 pm | Reply

    • “I tried to allow a father’s feelings about their child not cloud my view that, “To each their own” by including: “Nothing written here is designed to be commentary on adults consenting or engaged in activities of their own choosing.”” -Jaren

      I think you did a pretty good job in that regard. The comment coming from your daughter’s friend (4th person here) did seem a bit insensitive and perhaps a tad rude, but it has been through a couple filters already so not as reliable as first person would be. However, if we want to put an end to bigoted or rude comments, we can really only focus and work on ourselves (that dang “beam” again).

      Cheers-
      Micah

      Comment by mikeutah — June 2, 2010 @ 7:35 pm | Reply

  3. Plainly, sex without love is nothing. Love is what makes and provides the true meaning. Young girls who think that having sex with lots of guys will help you pick the perfect mate,are in for the biggest dissapointment of their life. Maybe this is why there are so many divorces. Tell your daughter at her age she has lots more to be interested in than sex. If you experience everything before 20 what do you have to look forward to?

    Comment by Ann — June 3, 2010 @ 2:42 pm | Reply


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